Guns

For a very long time, I’ve favored sensible gun regulations, but not outright bans. Let’s make sure we prevent senseless tragedies, but still protect the rights of responsible gun owners. “Keep gun out of the hands of bad guys, but in the hands of good guys,” to risk dangerously oversimplifying the message.

I mean, I get it! Aside from some freak accidents, guns don’t kill people, people with guns kills people. Sure! That they do it at a much higher rate than people without guns just speaks to the need for sensible rules. Like driving, or giving someone a haircut for money. Things that we take seriously enough to issue licenses for!

And, shooting things is fun! I learned how to use a rifle in Boy Scouts. I’ve done target shooting. It’s super fun! Yay, shooting things!

But after Tuesday, I have changed my mind. Our country has lost the right to bear arms. Through gross negligence, we’ve demonstrated that we just aren’t responsible enough as a society to deal with firearms. But you’re a hunter? But you’re a target shooter? But you shoot for sport? But you need it for self defense? But you really like guns?

Sorry – those guys (and they are primarily guys) have ruined it for everyone else. Also, you’re the ones who could have prevented this by actually embracing sensible regulations, but instead you just bought more guns every time a Democrat took the White House and stonewalled any progress.

So, no guns for you, or for anybody. Round them all up and melt them down. Ammunition, too. I’m sorry about the coyotes or bears or people with brown skin that frighten you so badly. I’m sorry that you won’t be able to make venison chili next year (mmmmm, venison). Maybe we’ll revisit this when you’re older and have demonstrated your ability to make responsible choices.

Hmm. Actually. There are 3.5 million public school teachers in this country, 75% of whom are female and 15% of whom are black or latino. Let’s give every one of them an AR-15. I’m sure the “arm the teachers” proponents would be thrilled with arming roughly 525,000 black folks with AR-15s. I mean, I’m absolutely sure they’d be supportive.

So let’s do that. You want to own a gun in America? Become a public school teacher. Everybody else, hand ’em over.